Shirley Holmes and the Adventure of the Lady Vampire
by banditslytherin
Summary: A play about how the daughter of Sherlock Holmes stops Lady Dracula from taking over Bakerstreet Boarding School, and all before the big polo match.


**Scene 1 – Friday Night, School Hallways**

(_At rise we see a blank stage. JANE enters SL carrying a book bag and a phone. She is wearing the school uniform, a skirt, blouse, and sweater. She stops SL and looks at her phone_.)

JANE. All right, Jane, time to update the blog. (_Speaks slowly as she types on the phone_). Well, here I am in the school hallway, feeling tired but accomplished. Just finished studying for Greek Interpreting class. I could at least do that sitting down. Studying for the Solitary Cycling exam will be a little harder. Four-sign let's get physical. (_Puts phone away, then does the "hashtag" gesture only using all four fingers of both hands, this is the "four-sign" gesture_.) Four-sign I hate exercising. Four-sign who comes up with these electives. (_Starts crossing the stage then stops and takes phone out again._) A text from Shirley. (_Reads_.) Stop trying to make four-sign the new hashtag. (_Looks up and around._) How does she do that? (_Reads more._) Aw, how sweet of him. (_Typing._) Tell Hudson not to worry. Just left library, on my way to common room.

(_MIKE, LUKE, JENNIFER, JACKIE, ARTEMIS, and QUINN enter SR. ARTEMIS and QUINN are wearing the school uniform, the other four are in khaki pants and polo shirts with numbers on them. MIKE is #1, JENNIFER is #3, JACKIE is #2, and LUKE is #4. They are talking to each other loudly and almost run into JANE._)

LUKE. Oh, hey, Jane, sorry about that. We didn't see you.

JACKIE. Were you studying?

MIKE. You know, exams aren't until after the Christmas holiday.

JANE. Never hurts to be prepared. Weren't y'all preparing for the big polo match?

JENNIFER. Of course. It's only four days away.

LUKE. Yeah, we just thought we'd get in some extra practice.

ARTEMIS. You were so good out there, Luke. (_Starts crying_.) I like, can't even.

QUINN (_giggles_). Oh, I can. I just love watching you play.

LUKE. Thanks but I'm just the backshot. I'm not nearly as good as Mike, or Jackie, or Jennifer.

JENNIFER. Did he just rank me with you two? I mean, you're good strikers, but—

JACKIE. Oh, I'm sure that's not what he meant. He knows you're the best player.

MIKE (_nudges LUKE_). But we always need our back-up, you know.

(_Everyone laughs, then mysterious music starts and they stop laughing and look around. LADY DRACULA and RENNIE enter SL. DRACULA is wearing a black dress and cape with red accessories, like a hat or scarf. RENNIE is in all brown or dark khaki, and her hair is a tangled mess and her face is smudged. She hangs back behind DRACULA who looks around expectantly. The other group stares at them, then LUKE tentatively approaches them_.)

LUKE. Good evening, ladies. Can we help you with something? You look a little lost.

MIKE (_teasing_). Yeah, does your mother know you're out?

DRACULA. This is Baker Street Boarding School?

LUKE. It sure is. Are you new students?

DRACULA. We are just arrived from Transylvania Finishing School.

JENNIFER. Oh, you must be Lady Dracula. (_To the others._) She's the one who's been emailing us about the school. I guess she decided to come after all. (_Crosses to her_.) I'm Jennifer Harker.

DRACULA (_to LUKE_). And who are you?

LUKE. Oh, I'm Luke Westenra.

DRACULA. Luke, a pleasure to meet you. I am Lady Dracula. You may call me Vladimira.

JACKIE (_crossing to LUKE_). And I'm Jackie Seward, Luke's girlfriend.

(_JACKIE holds out her hand but DRACULA backs away hissing. RENNIE movies forward._)

RENNIE. The Mistress is very particular about germs. I'm Renesmee, but you can call me Rennie. (_Holds out her hand, they stare at it._)

JENNIFER. What is on your hand?

RENNIE. Dirt. I wanted to make sure I brought something of home with me.

LUKE (_slowly shakes her hand_). I guess you aren't too particular about germs.

RENNIE. Oh my sweaty palms, the cute boy touched me!

JACKIE. I am both repulsed and intrigued. I'd love to get you under a microscope.

RENNIE. As long as you bring him too. (_Tries to nudge LUKE_.) Know what I mean?

DRACULA. Enough, Rennie!

RENNIE. My apologies, mistress. (_Backs away_.)

DRACULA (_to LUKE_). I am looking for headmaster Stoker Doyle's office. Would you escort me thither? (_Takes his arm and starts pulling him L._)

LUKE. Professor Doyle? Sure, I'd be happy to take you.

JENNIFER. But it's just down that hallway.

ARTEMIS (_crying_). Luke, don't go!

QUINN. Yeah, stay with us.

JACKIE. Or we can go with you.

JANE (_breaks away from the group_). Actually, I was on my way—

MIKE. Come on, Jane, the more the merrier.

(_Everyone but JANE starts to follow, but then DRACULA turns around, stopping them_.)

DRACULA. Look into my eyes. It is unnecessary for you to come. You may go about your business. (_Everyone except JANE is now hypnotized and they all turn around._) Now Luke, tell me about Baker Street. It is nice school?

LUKE (_slow and confused_). Oh yeah. We've got teachers, classes, a polo team. I'm the back—

DRACULA. And you all live on campus?

RENNIE. That's why it's called a boarding school. Like our old school was a finishing school.

DRACULA. I finish you! Hold our tongue. (_Back to LUKE._) They are your roommates?

LUKE. Well, sort of. We're part of the same house. All the students are divided up into different houses. We get house points, compete against each other.

DRACULA. Which one are you?

LUKE. Silver Blaze.

DRACULA (_hisses_). Silver. A pity.

LUKE. Well, there's also Golden Pince-Nez, Copper Beeches, Blue Carbuncle.

(_DRACULA, RENNIE, and LUKE exit SR. As soon as they're gone, the others start moving as if waking from a trance_.)

QUINN. Okay, what just happened?

ARTEMIS (_crying_). All I know is, Luke is gone!

MIKE. So, I guess we can just, you know, go back to our common room. Right, Jennifer?

JENNIFER. I suppose.

JACKIE. But what about Luke? (_The others are already exiting._) Hey, wait for me.

(_Everyone but JANE exits SL. She waits a beat then pulls out her phone_.)

JANE (_typing_). I'm fine. Was talking with the polo players. Met a couple new students. You won't believe what just happened. (_Puts phone in pocket and exits SL_.)


End file.
